Love you long time: avoiding the undesirable in Thailand

Let's not lie to each other. Several people fly every year to Thailand only with the objective of exploring the erogenous areas of one of the most beautiful women in Asia. I don't blame them. However, they should bare in mind that Thailand is also famous for its several transsexuals (or ladyboys, as they are called by foreigners), who are not always very honest to you when it comes to their sex. So there's always the risk of asking for a passion fruit and receiving a banana instead. For a comprehensive and in-depth analysis of the aforementioned issue in Thailand I recommend the movie "Hangover Part II".

Transsexuals are so common in Thailand that you can see them everywhere: restaurants, shops, beauty salons, factories and even hospitals (one of my friends was diagnosed with dengue by a Dr. Ladyboy). Several popular Thai models are ladyboys and you can easily read who was the winner of the last beauty contest on regular newspapers.

As an experienced traveller, I believe it is also my duty to inform people about potential mistakes they can avoid when visiting other countries. I saw one foreigner being severely mocked at a hostel by his friend, because he kissed a ladyboy the night before, thinking she was a hot girl. If your plan is to try something exotic in Thailand, yet feminine, you can make sure you found what you were looking for (or increase the certainty level) by following the tips below, which I came up after an extensive research on the matter:

i) Look for Adam's apple: usually only men have that pronounced "ball" in their throat. So, if you see a Thai woman with that, "she" is very likely a "he"! Unfortunately, men can reduce Adam's apple with surgery.

ii) Analyse the face: men usually have bigger heads and women a more gentle face (subjective, I know, but use common sense). This becomes specially trickier in Thailand, where men also have a "gentle" face.

iii) Voice: Men usually have lower-pitched voices than women. Does she sound like Barry White?

iv) Look at the size of the feet: males more often have longer feet and it doesn't shrink during gender transition.

v) Oh no, It's time to fell it!: if you're still not sure of your partner's sex and honesty, its time to get your hands dirty. Gently ask to put your hands down there and check it out. If hes a post-op (I mean, if he concluded a full gender transition), I'm so sorry my friend, we tried everything we could. At least, in that case, you will probably never know the truth.

Extra: Thailand is also very famous for its massage, but if I were you I would ignore the girls that shout "helloooo massaaageeee"  or "love you long timeeee" in the streets of Bangkok, unless you want to be massaged by 11 fingers, instead of the usual 10.

If you are indeed looking for ladyboys in Thailand, then just ignore everything I just said. I once warned a foreigner in Ko Pha Ngan (one of Thailand's legendary party islands) that he was dancing with a ladyboy and not a woman. He gave me a straight answer: "thanks man, I know". Fair enough.


                                  
                               

Cliff jumping in Thailand: when is the right time to be a pussy?

I’m afraid of heights and I’m not shy about it. During my round the world trip I had to deal with my fear a couple of times. I usually had two options: i) face my fear and go for it; or ii) give up, run away and be nicknamed pussy by my friends. I usually choose option one, but sometimes, I later found out, it is better to trust your fear and just give up. This time was in Thailand.

If there’s a paradise on earth, Ko Phi Phi, Thailand, must be it. An amazing island in the middle of the pacific where backpackers from all over the world meet, party and, very often, try dangerous stuff. I got there with two of my Brazilian friends and we were particularly (not me, really) excited with one of the many tourist attractions that were being sold by the locals: the 20 meters cliff jump.

Going with one of the many local tourist agencies seemed pretty damn expensive, so we improvised. We asked for one of the boat drivers at the shore how much he would charge us to go there. It wasn’t much, so we made a deal. We would go the next morning.

Heading to the cliff, my friends started to display some kind of discontent or fear about what we were about to do. But this time, I don’t know why, I wasn’t feeling that afraid, maybe I’ve changed.

The boat was very slow, I could swim faster than that, but we got there anyway. The cliff seemed high and nobody was there at the time. Weird.

We climbed the rocks with a good degree of difficulty and we got to the top. My friends were shaking and we started to discuss who would go first. “Not me” “If you jump, I promise I’ll go after you!” we said to each other. We decided to double check with the boat driver “is it safe to jump?” I said; “it is up to you!” he replied. What the hell was this guy talking about? This cliff is famous and everybody comes here, it must be safe. “Is it deep enough?” I tried again; “just jump!” he answered.

I looked down, to the beatiful dark blue sea and I felt this was my time to be brave. I threw my havaianas and I saw it take about 4 seconds to reach the surface. Damn! It was high. As the place was very rocky and I was afraid of hiting my head I jumped the furthest I could. This ended up not being a very good Idea, as I lost my balance during the flight and hit with my back on the surface. It felt like concrete.

My friends shouted “good boy! How was it?!”; “don’t jump! Take me to the hospital!” I replied. My back was hurting a lot and I could barely swim. The boat driver was pretty insensitive and denied me his help, so I had to swim 10 meters to reach the boat. My friends went down and jumped from the 6 meters cliff, the place for the pussies. But this time they were right.

We all went to a local hospital, which lacked the proper equipment to analyse my back (x-ray, for example). A muslim lady touched my spine with her hands and diagnosed “its just muscle pain, you didn’t break anything”. She called a tuk-tuk (a motorcicle with a cabin) and we drove back to my hostel on a rocky road, where each bounce felt like a stab in my back.

I had to take pills and my friends had to help me with my backpack (there’s always a positive side) each time we changed cities, for about 2 weeks. After this day, I will always try to be rational each time I face my fears.

Sometimes its just better to be a pussy and keep going with your life.

Picture: Ko Phi Phi's famous cliff